Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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