no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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