We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
