either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
