White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
