I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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