please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
