Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
