what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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