A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
