I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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