Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
he had hair everywhere except his balls
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
