just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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