I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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