Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
