Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.