dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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