i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
