1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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