If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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