my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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