I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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