all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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