If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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