im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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