Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You ruined the universe
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
