Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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