i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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