Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I FOUND THE LEGS
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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