the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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