He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
