Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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