So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
