I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
