i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
