Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
