For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
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it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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