she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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