i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
