Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
