you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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