I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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