Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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