I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
