dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
