We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
