She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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