I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
