It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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