I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
