I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
