My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
