Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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