did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
